Account Closed

This is the story of poor, sad, put-upon Nigel.

In 2017, Nigel F. was telling everyone that he was "skint". He had forgotten that he had an account with Coutts, a private bank exclusively for the wealthy. He even forgot that he was living in a £4million townhouse in Chelsea. One day, the bad people at Coutts wrote to him to say that, as his mortgage had ended, he didn't have quite enough millions in his account so they were closing it, and would he like an account with a sister bank, NatWest, instead?

Nigel didn't like NatWest; any grubby prole can open an account with them. Or, perhaps he thought the name sounded like Nat King Cole, who was a black man.

Russia Today

Some people, many of whom might not think that having millions in the bank constitutes being "skint", unkindly suggested that perhaps Coutts didn't want further business with Nigel. After all, this is a man who was offered his own show on RT, the Kremlin's TV propaganda channel, after appearing on it many times.

Nige ♡ Vlad

Some suggested that perhaps Nigel's great admiration for Vladimir Putin, a sanctioned war criminal, might not look great. Banks tend to be risk averse about despotic leaders of totalitarian regimes, especially ones who murder British citizens on British soil.

Some Banks are great

Other people suspected that perhaps the bank was worried about the source of the nest-egg that Nigel forgot about. After all, nice Arron Banks had given Nigel loads of goodies which he forgot to declare to the EU when he was an MEP. And that was after he had half his MEP’s salary docked following a European Parliament investigation into another alleged misspending of EU funds.

Noxious fascism

Some traitorous Untermenschen and 'rootless cosmopolitans' (you know, the ones with The Noses) remembered his schoolfriend's stories of how Nigel "revelled" in having the same initials as the 1970s fascist party National Front and "used to sing 'Gas them all'" (published in The Sun, a noted Marxist paper).

They wondered if perhaps the bank's 'globalist' clients might find it a bit distasteful if they bumped into him reeking of beer and fags at the cashpoint, and he started singing that song. Some people can't take a joke, eh?

Blame those bloody Wokes

A private bank that caters to monarchs, plutocrats and (until recently) a seven-times failure at becoming a Member of Parliament is EXACTLY the sort of place you'd expect loads of namby-pamby Woke libtard communist snowflakes to be calling the shots.

Nigel previously campaigned fearlessly for the right of people to refuse to do business with people whose values they disagree with, but no-one can really call Wokes 'people', can they?

Just £4 can buy Nigel a milkshake

It's a lonely job, watching his boss at GB News get rich shorting NatWest shares, while he doggedly distracts attention from The Byline Times' allegations about Dan Wootten, a fellow GB News presenter.

So, please, dig deep for poor, skint Nigel. We don't want to give him money; he's been turned down by 763 unnamed banks, so has to carry all his cash around in an articulated lorry. We want to buy him something to put the spring back into his step, the jack back into his boots.

Just £4 will buy him a milkshake. £15 will get him a packet of cigarettes and a lighter. £30 will buy him 7 pints of delicious cask ale, such as Heydrich's Old Belsen or Beria's Best Gulag. And perhaps then he'll even start up a nice old sing-song.

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